A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
