Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
