The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
