Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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