I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
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