He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Actions speak louder than pants.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
