I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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