Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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