Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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