I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I'm sobbing to NWA
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
The Olympian is in my bed
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
