found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
