He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize
