then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
