i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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