those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize