I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
