He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
