so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Do vagina's smell?
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
