I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
