I think i peed on brittanys purse
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
where does the pee come out of this thing
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
