the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
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