that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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