apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
