Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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