I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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