Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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