as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I think I have vodka in my lungs
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
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