Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
