VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
