My liver just broke up with me...
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
