I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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