You smell like a Billy Joel song
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize