in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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