You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
