Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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