When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? 😭😭
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
