Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
