he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
