i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
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