He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
