saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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