seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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