My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
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