If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I checked into jail on foursquare
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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