Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
