i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
