I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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