You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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