He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize