who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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