i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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