I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize