she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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