forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
