honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Randomize
