Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
whose parrot is this?
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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