wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize