Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize