so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
