remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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