I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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