During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Randomize
