i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
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