just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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