I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I'm like, not good at living.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
