she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
bring money and cleavage
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
